Wednesday, April 20, 2011
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If Trump ruled the United States
By Jordan Liffengren
Caturday Night Live
A world in which fire hydrants are made of gold and doughnut holes are served on silver plates is where our new president, Donald Trump, would reside.
Our new leader's hair would rise above us and all opinions against his own.
The lattice-like comb-over that spans his oversized Irish scalp will symbolize the wealth he will spread among only his tightly knit circle of D-list celebrity friends and models injected with more Botox than lumpia at a Filipino potluck.
Our vice president would be the cheeky and daringly sexy Sarah Palin, dressed in a red pleather catsuit at all times.
She would arrive to each state address riding a faithful moose named Jeep Palin.
Carseats would be attached to the animal.
There would be a dungeon under the Sparkle House, whose name would replace that of the White House seeing as it is no longer white, but laden with unicorn tears, something worth much more than diamonds.
This said dungeon would house only the most dangerous, untrustworthy disgraces to America, of course, like Barack Obama, Whoopi Goldberg and especially Rosie O'Donnell or the "loser and failure," the new name Trump has bestowed upon her.
His presidential staff would consist of young women between ages 21 and 27 from Central Europe — no exceptions.
This utopia will be awash with resorts and towers of Trump instead of silly parks or bike trails.
The only American pastime would be professional wrestling — sometimes golf.
We'd never know whether our leader was a Republican or a Democrat, not because he couldn't decide, but because he's Trump — he does what he wants and if you question him he will indeed fire you.
Television, airwaves and newspapers would be called Trumpvision, airTrumps and newsTrumps since he would own all forms of media, even surpassing the power of the almighty Oprah Winfrey.
Every stripper in the country would be invited to join the Miss America Pageant because, goddamnit everyone deserves a seventh chance and this man will allow any woman to compete no matter what, out of the sheer goodness of his heart.
I can't think of anyone more thoughtful.
The only departments still in existence would be Neiman Marcus and Men's Warehouse, because everyone would dress for a night in Vegas.
No matter what day it is, the American people will be wearing suits and fur coats, gambling away their money at the nearest Trump casino.
Babies will be allowed to gamble as well because Trump does not discriminate against age.
Aside from all of these significantly important changes, he'd take our troops out of Iraq.
The war would be over.
He'd also put a 14.25 percent tax on personal estates and trusts more than $10 million, which would raise an estimated $5.7 trillion toward the retirement of national debt.
Taxes would be cut for the middle class and he'd supplement Social Security funds, Medicare and Medicaid.
Not like that stuff matters, though.
I just hope he names the beast that rests upon his head and teases us with the hope that those duck-shaped lips will forever purse in the Oval Office.
"Caturday Night Live" is a column appearing on every other Thursday. Jordan Liffengren is a Spartan Daily A&E Editor.
Ted Rudow III
The cycle of recession and rebound is what you would call a confidence game, perpetrated by the biggest con man and swindler. He has succeeded very well, and the economic world has a false foundation today, a paper one, which could go up in smoke if the right match were applied to it. They seeks to trick and swindle as many people as possible. Accord to the Wall Street Journal, hedge funds are bounding back, with return-hungry investors pumping up the industry to a size not seen since before the financial crisis laid it low. Total hedge-fund assets are approaching $2 trillion and are soon expected to surpass their peak in early 2008, according to industry analysts. .The resurrection of hedge funds, which invest money for wealthy individuals, pension funds and other large investors, marks yet another sign that the effects of the financial crisis are receding."So, little by little, the skeptics are won over to invest their funds, to take a chance on making more money. And there is a rebound, for there are still people to be convinced that things will keep going up—indeed, must keep going up. And one day, the downturn will become another recession, the recession will become a depression, and the depression will become another the Crash. Ted Rudow III, MAClass of 1996